The Monster Inside

When I was growing up it was not a peaceful event to say the least. It was a harsh and violent time mixed with only a few moments of peace and happiness. But I can't remember them, only the hard times. My father was a violent man, back then he's changed a lot since then, and though he never hit me he did hit my brothers. There were times that I feared going home so much that I would walk the long way home from the bus stop. The whole time I was growing up I was hoping and praying that someone would come and save me from that place but no one ever came. And the only way I had to survive was to adopt my father's evil temper and grow up fast.

I had the worst temper that anyone could have seen. I was violent and just mad at the whole world. There were even times where I had become abusive toward my own pets. Thinking about my actions then makes me sick and breaks my heart but that is how I was then. There are some events that I can't even talk about because 1)I'm scared that I'll loose my friends because they'll think I'm a monster and 2)because to talk about it makes me relive it.

I was mad at the whole world and didn't even know why. My mom barely hugged me or talked to me and my dad would just be nice to me if he felt like it that day. I was so scared to come home and he would be there in a bad mood and I would have to take the brunt force of his temper. I grew up only wanting to be alone and to myself. Because if I was by myself I was safe. Most kids only have one abusive parent while the other ignores the violence, not me. They both were violent towards me. I remember one time when I cut my own bangs because I kept asking my mom to do it for me but she never had the time so I did it myself. When my mom got home and had seen what I had done she screamed at me and pulled me around the house by my misshapen bangs demanding why I would do such a stupid thing.

Growing up in that kind of a house all I knew was anger and violence. I only saw that it was a problem when I was in college and a roommate had told me that she was scared of me. That hit me like a ton of bricks! I had become the fear that I was raised in! And I hated that about me. I couldn't believe that I had become the monster that I vowed to never be. It was only through the love and kindness of my other roommate that helped me realize what I was doing, to myself and to others. She helped tame the monster inside of me. And because of that I am forever grateful!

But the monster is still there, waiting for a weak moment to come out and destroy my life. It scares me so much that I don't know if I want kids. I'm scared that I would become the horrible parent that I was raised with. I don't want to pass down the anger and violence that I was raised with. That is not my life now and I don't want to make it that way again for me or any other person. I know that because I'm afraid of it that I probably won't do that but there is still that fear that maybe one night the baby will cry too long or too loud. I can't do that. It scares me. So much so that I don't even like to be around kids. I mean, I wouldn't know what to do around them in the first place and I'm worried that I'll snap at one point and become the monster again. I don't know how long I can contain it. I know that the only way to get it out of me is to face it head on, but I don't know if I'll survive the battle.

I have a monster inside of me. He's caged...for now.

**Discloser: My parents have changed a lot as well. We are no longer the violent people that we once were. But...sometimes I feel it's too little, too late.